Let's talk about Anger
Anger is a normal emotion but one we can be very fearful of and one which is seen as a negative emotion, especially in children. Anger management is often asked for in referrals for therapy when in fact what is needed is anger understanding. What is causing the anger, how we can use the emotions associated with anger to bring about positive change. Anger is not the same as aggression. We can be angry, but we don’t have to be aggressive. We can shout and jump up and down when we’re angry and this is ok but this is different from hitting out at objects and people in an aggressive way.
Anger Awareness
We can feel anger in our body. The next time you start to feel angry, do a quick body scan. You may experience some or all of these reactions, so it is not surprising that when people feel angry they struggle to listen to what others are asking of them :
Clenched fists
Gritted or grinding teeth
Tighten jaw
Tighten shoulders
Tears
Red face
Start to sweat
Breathing harder and faster
Heart beats faster
Knots in my stomach
Sweaty palms
Scowling or frowning
Tense shoulders
Dizziness
Headache
Shaking
Pacing back and forward
Anger thinking
Anger thinking involves thoughts that flash into your mind and make you feel worse, these can happen time and time again and be very difficult to let go of.
Angry people can find it difficult to be positive and often focus on negative events and actions.
People can get angry as they have high expectations for themselves and others which is really difficult to maintain.
Anger can also grow if we feel we have been treated unfairly, for example, we may have lent a friend something and they have failed to return it. Instead of asking for its return the next time we see them, we let our anger out by shouting.
Anger triggers
There are many things that can trigger someone’s anger, it is often built on a previous experience or a feeling of being unfairly treated that makes us flip.
Some common triggers include:
Injustice
Disrespect
Violation of our personal space
Abusive language
Labelling, shaming, blaming
Physical threats
Insults
Misinformation
Lying
Relationship disputes
Constant disappointment
Lack of control
It is really important to start to recognise your triggers, explore where these have come from and how you can interpret the triggers so we can put a strategy in place to prevent our anger getting out of control.
Anger communication
When we are younger, we are helped to communicate how we feel by using I statements, I would like, I feel, but as we grow we appear to lose the ability to clearly describe to others how we are feeling. So get back into practice with your I statements. I feel angry because. Or if you are on the receiving end I can see your angry what is going on for you? This takes away any accusations from the discussion.
Try and stick to the point if you are angry about something, just talk about that and don’t bring up all of the others things you may have been angry about in the past. This will just build up your anger and make the other person angry or defensive, escalating rather than de-escalating the situation.
Be prepared to listen to the other persons point of view, you may find that you really don’t have much to be angry about.
Just stop, stop talking, walk away, take some deep breaths and then return when you are able to hold a conversation without feeling overwhelmed by angry feelings.
Do something creative, write or draw your anger, get it out on paper, just let it spill out without thinking too much about it. Art, poems and journal writing are all forms of communicating how we feel. This could just be for yourself or you could show others as a way of explaining how you are feeling. Creative approaches work really well with children and young people.
Managing Anger
Complete a body scan – focus on physical sensations of anger.
Practise deep breathing techniques, simple and easy but you need to practise when you are not angry so they just become something you can flip into when you start to feel anger sensations.
Move, get up, walk, change your pace, change your environment, these can quickly start to bring you down from that boiling point.
Identify your triggers – write a list of the things which trigger your anger. Is it something that people say or do? Is it an expectation you have of others for them to do something?
Develop a healthier response to anger triggers. Practice this when you are not angry so you can have them in the back of your mind when you start to feel angry.
Ask for help if none of the above has worked for you, then seek professional help and a support therapist can help you to identify often deep-rooted feelings which can impact your ability to control your emotions.
References and Resources
Spriggs C, Lets Talk about Anger. https://connectionmags.co.uk/lets-talk-about-anger/
Young Minds – Anger. www.youngminds.org.uk
Childline. www.childline.org.uk freephone 0800 1111
Youth Access. https://www.youthaccess.org.uk
The Mix. www.themix.org.uk
Shout, Anger management text support – Dealing & Coping with Anger. www.giveusashout.org
Mind, How to cope with anger. www.mind.org.uk
HelpGuide, Anger Management. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/anger-management.htm
Psychology Today, A child’s anger can be a warning. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/family-secrets/201201/childs-anger-can-be-warning
Kids Health. Taking charge of anger. https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/anger.html
Pause - Children’s Society. Anger in Children. https://www.childrenssociety.org.uk/mental-health-advice-for-children-and-young-people/anger
Very Special tales- 46 Anger management activities for kids. https://veryspecialtales.com/17-anger-management-activities-for-kids/
Apps:
Headspace
What Up
Pacifica
Calm
Breath2relax
AIMS for anger management
Most apps are free but may have limited functions without paying for an upgrade.