How do you write letters home?

At this year's Think2Speak Live, Nicky Pattinson shared with us how she'd update a letter sent home from a school.

Original

This is a successful school and your child plays their part in making it so. We aim for an environment which enables and encourages all pupils and staff to commit to achieving the best we possibly can. For our children to gain the greatest benefit from their education it is vital that they attend regularly and so all children should be at school, on time, every day the school is open unless the reason for the absence is unavoidable.
Poor punctuality is also not acceptable. If a child misses the start of the day they can miss the vital part of the teaching session. Pupils arriving late are sometimes unsettled, may disrupt lessons and can be embarrassed about their lateness encouraging future absence. If a child is just 5 minutes late every day of the school year, this equates to 3 days absence.

At the request of governors, after half term we are going to be monitoring lateness, from when the gate is closed to 9.20am. We will be asking to meet with you if your child is late on a regular basis to see what support we can put in place. If your child arrives after 9.20am this is automatically recorded as an unauthorised absence.
Please try to leave enough time in the morning to enable you to get your child here on time for an 8.55am start. Children are welcome to arrive from 8.45am.
We will endeavour to finish Collective Worship in plenty of time so that we are not delaying you at the end of the day. We have moved the celebration assembly to an earlier start time on a Friday as this tends to be the session which can overrun.

Many thanks for your continued support.
Kind regards
Joan Thorneycroft
Head Teacher

Nicky's Revised Version

Dear parent/carer   

We are so proud of our  successful school. Every single child has an important part in everything we do. 

We’re all here to try our very best -  achieve everything we can for everyone in our care  -  and so that means we all  turn up every day on time unless completely unavoidable. I’m sure you’ll agree poor punctuality is a really bad habit to get into. If a child misses the start of the day  then a vital part of the teaching session is gone. Never to return.

 
Equally importantly  - pupils arriving late are sometimes unsettled, may disrupt lessons and most upsettingly can be embarrassed about their lateness. This may then  encourage even more problems in the future. 

Would you believe also - that if a child is just 5 minutes late every day of the school year, this equates to 3 days absence!

Your child’s regular attendance is so important for their  future that the  governors have requested,  and staff have all agreed,  that after half term we’ll be monitoring lateness from when the gate is closed to 9.20am. 

This is such a crucial situation to get right that we’ll be asking to meet with you if your child is regularly late to see what help we can put in place.

With all this in mind  and so that we can be sure that we are working with you  as early as possible to identify how  we can best work together, arrival after 9.20am will now be automatically recorded as an unauthorised absence.

Can you help your child - our student - by making sure you leave enough time in the morning to enable you to get your child here on time for an 8.55am start? Everyone is welcome to arrive from 8.45am - and that will be easier for some.

From our end we’ll make sure we finish Collective Worship in plenty of time so that we are not delaying you at the end of the day. We have moved the celebration assembly to an earlier start time on a Friday as this tends to be the session which can overrun.

Thank you so much  for your continued, wonderful and essential assistance!

Joan Thorneycroft
Head Teacher

What are your thoughts on the two versions of the same letter above?